Bargaining

First of all She's getting me.
The Radio Witch that is: started this and she put "Ripple" by The Grateful Dead on the radio.

ok Bargaining.
We'll get to Anger when I can give it words, right now it's just roiling about in me.

What is "bargaining" exactly? I imagine some delusional haggling. Or shopping.
Denial- got it. Anger- you betcha. Bargaining? Wah? Filene's Basement? Flea Markets?
Or is it more about fantasy? Maybe if _________ happens it will ease my loss.

maybe I'll be given a box full of secret messages to me. All my reviews- clippings of my achievements. Letters never sent telling me how he was proud of me. Amazed by me. A box of photos of him and I, that I've never seen. Maybe journals with long entries of how he wished he could have said this and that. Paintings I'd done, childhood poems; every card and note I'd left on his desk. Poems about my wedding, my children, love and regret and redemption.

Perhaps that is Bargaining.
Makes sense that it's followed by Depression, cause there is no box.

What they don't tell you is that the "stages" are really the arc and shape of the waves. Not some f-ed up checklist/checkpoint but just words to identify the crazy that you feel. That I feel. Depressed, angry, anxious, mad, anticipatory, light-headed, impatient.

It's all I can do to keep from drowning.