I cleaned off my desk thinking it would help me to be more organized.
Right.
Instead I find an old birthday card from my dad. Damn it.I knew it was there, I kept them (thank Goddess) but still I HAD to look at it, HAD to think about him.
Wow I miss him. I miss talking to him. Even though sometimes our conversations were strained or forced or whatever, sometimes they weren't.
The paradox of the difficult wealthy absent parent is the "you only call when you need money" trap. When I would want to call, but it was near my birthday, would he think I was just logging relationship points for the hopeful birthday check? What if I really just wanted to say hi.
Oh there were times the stress of it made me secretly think of the inevitable day when he would be mortal. I never wanted him to die, there were just times I wished he were, well.....
I found this while going down the rabbit hole of my desk:
"Another day awaits with its
mousetraps of memory
the ones that snap and sting my eyes
I look for them
I set some of them
I almost want to be caught"
I promise I'll try to write about something else someday.
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
Thursday, March 6, 2008
6 Months!?
Wow I just read all my previous entries.
Jeesh
Mourning's quite the bummer huh. No one wants me at thier party!
Actually quick updates: there might be a goose egg for my brother and I after all. But in the time I thought there wasn't I was able to move through more of my grief. I can't explain how, it's a complicated mess of money and all the good bad and ugly involved with. Money truly is a necessary evil.
As for me I still have what I've come to call, "pot hole moments" A friend shared a great metaphor with me " it's (grief,loss) like a pothole, you know where it is, and most of the time you remember to avoid it. But every once in a while you hit it and BAM, you're day has changed, there's a flat, a busted axil, who knows"
Yeah, now and then I hit the pot hole, but it's alright. I cry, I write, I let it join the other memories if I want to keep it.
I wish...
well, we all have that don't we? I guess the trick is to stay away from the regret. Regret's no pothole, it's a sink hole. Observe it sure, but don't set up camp in it.
So Samhain came, and went. As did Thanksgiving, with call from a very teary stepmother who I hardly know, who I think of often and wonder how I can help.New Years, Imbolc, and now we move into Ostara, birthdays and SPRING.
Auditions start up again, and I've been taking an acting class for the 1st time in 18 years and it's GREAT. New headshots that I feel more confident about. A very real possibility of going to the Edinburgh Fringe Festival in August;never mind the fact that I'm studing for a sort of elevation in my spiritual path.
A bunch of creative little green shoots popping up all around.
Dad would be proud.
Really.
Jeesh
Mourning's quite the bummer huh. No one wants me at thier party!
Actually quick updates: there might be a goose egg for my brother and I after all. But in the time I thought there wasn't I was able to move through more of my grief. I can't explain how, it's a complicated mess of money and all the good bad and ugly involved with. Money truly is a necessary evil.
As for me I still have what I've come to call, "pot hole moments" A friend shared a great metaphor with me " it's (grief,loss) like a pothole, you know where it is, and most of the time you remember to avoid it. But every once in a while you hit it and BAM, you're day has changed, there's a flat, a busted axil, who knows"
Yeah, now and then I hit the pot hole, but it's alright. I cry, I write, I let it join the other memories if I want to keep it.
I wish...
well, we all have that don't we? I guess the trick is to stay away from the regret. Regret's no pothole, it's a sink hole. Observe it sure, but don't set up camp in it.
So Samhain came, and went. As did Thanksgiving, with call from a very teary stepmother who I hardly know, who I think of often and wonder how I can help.New Years, Imbolc, and now we move into Ostara, birthdays and SPRING.
Auditions start up again, and I've been taking an acting class for the 1st time in 18 years and it's GREAT. New headshots that I feel more confident about. A very real possibility of going to the Edinburgh Fringe Festival in August;never mind the fact that I'm studing for a sort of elevation in my spiritual path.
A bunch of creative little green shoots popping up all around.
Dad would be proud.
Really.
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
oh crap
Dream:
ex boyfriend (practically x-husband) asking me to come back. Actually assuming it was time to come back (we would tend to break up in summer and reignite for the winter months.)
For Samhain we'd keep each other warm.
Ever miss an x?
I mean, after YEARS?
I'm happily married, I picked the right one. Trust me I KNOW.
But every year,around this time,I have a day, where I just miss the other.
So much so that I have to put my head down.
That day; I'm used too, ready for.
But this year, boys and girls, my plate is full of missing.
Did I mention my cousin killed himself 10 days (on the anniversary of our grandmother's, my Father's mother's death) after my Dad's memorial.
Yeah re-read that.
Been drinking alot, too much. avoiding Samhain.
Avoiding ALOT
Avoiding
A Void Ing
Void
Samhain
ok, so reference back to August:
there really is no box.
seems that super wealthy Dad, had a blind spot:
me
my brother.
yep
you got it:
Nada,zip,ziltch,goose egg
ohh Samhain,
the void,
the time to release that which I do not want,
that which no longer serves me
dare I say, I feel some conflict
ex boyfriend (practically x-husband) asking me to come back. Actually assuming it was time to come back (we would tend to break up in summer and reignite for the winter months.)
For Samhain we'd keep each other warm.
Ever miss an x?
I mean, after YEARS?
I'm happily married, I picked the right one. Trust me I KNOW.
But every year,around this time,I have a day, where I just miss the other.
So much so that I have to put my head down.
That day; I'm used too, ready for.
But this year, boys and girls, my plate is full of missing.
Did I mention my cousin killed himself 10 days (on the anniversary of our grandmother's, my Father's mother's death) after my Dad's memorial.
Yeah re-read that.
Been drinking alot, too much. avoiding Samhain.
Avoiding ALOT
Avoiding
A Void Ing
Void
Samhain
ok, so reference back to August:
there really is no box.
seems that super wealthy Dad, had a blind spot:
me
my brother.
yep
you got it:
Nada,zip,ziltch,goose egg
ohh Samhain,
the void,
the time to release that which I do not want,
that which no longer serves me
dare I say, I feel some conflict
Sunday, October 7, 2007
Samhain Review
Ok, so I've been too busy to blog. Is there a word for that?
I've been deeply entrenched in a production of an amazing play called "Kindertransport" If you don't know what that is, I suggest researching it.
Anyway the show closes today and the next thing I will be doing is Samhain.
So from Actress to witch, as is my life...
This year Samhain is going to be raw for me. I will NOT be doing any public rituals even thought the pull to do them (and ignore my own) is very strong. This is something I have to struggle with as, on one hand it is my responsibility as a Priestess to facilitate, but on the other hand I must care for myself first or I am of no use to others.
I know, "what the hell are you talking about, Rose?"
Let me explain, below is last year's homily and ritual that I gave/did at my UU church. It should give you an idea of what I'm taking about. Once you've read it, you can imagine the amount of energy it takes to bring 50+ people through a ritual like this (then take their stones to the ocean to release them)
I can't do it this year.
"This is the first time I’ve been called on as a witch and priestess to publicly celebrate Samhain. I will do my best.
Let me start by telling you what it is we do at my house.
We decorate the table with pictures and mementos of our ancestors as well as the last veggies from our garden. We set a place at the dinner table for them to feast with us. We even give them a piece of candy.
But it’s my husband, who really goes for it.
First of all takes the day off, there is a lot of preparation. He LOVES Halloween.
He begins communing with the pumpkins days in advance to “find their faces"; he and the kids repeatedly watch The Great Pumpkin while I roast the pumpkin seeds.
He goes all out with multiple Jack o lanterns, black lights, spiders, candles and fog machine (I’m not kidding, it’s industrial sized this year) for the pleasure and fear of our trick or treaters .
What does any of that have to do with Samhain?
Actually quite a bit.
By doing all of that he has created a place where people truly feel otherworldly when the tread our steps.
They feel fear and have to summon the courage to strive through that fear to get their reward.
That is the journey of Samhain.
Let me explain.
First a quick history of Samhain and how it has shaped the way it is observed today
First off, the word Samhain. Simply put it means “Summer’s End”. The Ancient Celtic year had 2 seasons Summer and Winter. The Year ended at Samhain
Early pagan life depended on a good harvest by summer’s end: they must have all they need filling there larders and root cellars and barns to ensure they and their livestock would survive the winter. There were no markets to run out to for bread or milk, you needed the wheat thrashed and stored safe and dry or there was no bread. It was a time to literally take stock.
Samhain is the final of the 3 Harvest Sabbats of the Pagan/Wiccan calender. The 1st two being Aug 1 called Lugnasadh, and the second on the Autumnal Equinox called Mabon.
Samhain is the last. It is the deadline. Whatever was left unharvested was plowed under to feed next year’s soil and eventual harvest.
At Samhain the seeds must be chosen and stored. Animals culled, some for food and some to propagate for the nest year. Choices were made that our ancestor’s very lives depended on.
Things are a little easier for us now. But we still feel the urge to wrap things up at this time of year. We pack up our summer clothes and pull out the winter ones. We bring in our houseplants from their summer's outside. We clean up the yard and stack our wood for the fires. We still feel the pull to sleep a bit more, eat a bit more and curl up with a book on long cold nights.
I truly believe this is instinctual, the shorter days tells the animals and plants to prepare for the winter, of course we do too, it is in our DNA.
Modern Wiccans and Pagans also see this as a time to think on the past year, all the projects you have sewn and cultivated. All the friendships, arguments, losses and gains you have accumulated over the year.
Is there something you no longer need? Something you wish to banish from your life forever? Samhain is the time for such harvests and banishments.
It is the time to cull what no longer serves you.
Samhain gives us the one time we can truly look Death in the eye. When we can embrace it as the wise Crone who will be fair but stern and help us to look at ourselves and that which we need and that which we do not.
And who better to ask to assist us in this spiritual harvest then our own wise ones who have gone before us?
At this time of seasonal transition,
The veil between the worlds is at its thinnest. We can speak with our beloved dead. We honor them with feasts. We ask for their guidance in our harvest.
This is not an easy thing to do. It takes a lot of courage to remember our dead. It makes us feel sad and lonely, but our memories make us smile as well.
It takes courage to take a look at ourselves and let go of old habits, old patterns of behavior that no longer serve us. These are hard choices.
But the treat!
When we remember our dead we also remember our love for them.
When we let go of that which we no longer need, we make room for new adventures to take shape, new ideas to grow.
The trick is having to face our fear of change. Our fear of the unknown. And the biggest fear, what if we get nothing, what if there is no candy? There’s only one way to find out. Tread the steps, face the witch at the door with the cauldron and look inside.
Think about the things you want to bring into the cold dark time with you. The blessings of those who have gone before, a positive outlook, what will serve you in the coming time when we a re close to one another by the fire. Do we bring anger and bitterness and fear into our stores? Or do we bring happiness, release and courage into our larder.
Today we will do just that.
Here is how it goes.
Each of you was given a rock when you came in. I encourage each of you to take that rock and think on what you would like to get rid of. What no longer serves you? And when you are ready please come up and drop it in the bowl of salt and water. This is your release.
Then light a candle as a beacon for your ancestors, honor them and listen."
I've been deeply entrenched in a production of an amazing play called "Kindertransport" If you don't know what that is, I suggest researching it.
Anyway the show closes today and the next thing I will be doing is Samhain.
So from Actress to witch, as is my life...
This year Samhain is going to be raw for me. I will NOT be doing any public rituals even thought the pull to do them (and ignore my own) is very strong. This is something I have to struggle with as, on one hand it is my responsibility as a Priestess to facilitate, but on the other hand I must care for myself first or I am of no use to others.
I know, "what the hell are you talking about, Rose?"
Let me explain, below is last year's homily and ritual that I gave/did at my UU church. It should give you an idea of what I'm taking about. Once you've read it, you can imagine the amount of energy it takes to bring 50+ people through a ritual like this (then take their stones to the ocean to release them)
I can't do it this year.
"This is the first time I’ve been called on as a witch and priestess to publicly celebrate Samhain. I will do my best.
Let me start by telling you what it is we do at my house.
We decorate the table with pictures and mementos of our ancestors as well as the last veggies from our garden. We set a place at the dinner table for them to feast with us. We even give them a piece of candy.
But it’s my husband, who really goes for it.
First of all takes the day off, there is a lot of preparation. He LOVES Halloween.
He begins communing with the pumpkins days in advance to “find their faces"; he and the kids repeatedly watch The Great Pumpkin while I roast the pumpkin seeds.
He goes all out with multiple Jack o lanterns, black lights, spiders, candles and fog machine (I’m not kidding, it’s industrial sized this year) for the pleasure and fear of our trick or treaters .
What does any of that have to do with Samhain?
Actually quite a bit.
By doing all of that he has created a place where people truly feel otherworldly when the tread our steps.
They feel fear and have to summon the courage to strive through that fear to get their reward.
That is the journey of Samhain.
Let me explain.
First a quick history of Samhain and how it has shaped the way it is observed today
First off, the word Samhain. Simply put it means “Summer’s End”. The Ancient Celtic year had 2 seasons Summer and Winter. The Year ended at Samhain
Early pagan life depended on a good harvest by summer’s end: they must have all they need filling there larders and root cellars and barns to ensure they and their livestock would survive the winter. There were no markets to run out to for bread or milk, you needed the wheat thrashed and stored safe and dry or there was no bread. It was a time to literally take stock.
Samhain is the final of the 3 Harvest Sabbats of the Pagan/Wiccan calender. The 1st two being Aug 1 called Lugnasadh, and the second on the Autumnal Equinox called Mabon.
Samhain is the last. It is the deadline. Whatever was left unharvested was plowed under to feed next year’s soil and eventual harvest.
At Samhain the seeds must be chosen and stored. Animals culled, some for food and some to propagate for the nest year. Choices were made that our ancestor’s very lives depended on.
Things are a little easier for us now. But we still feel the urge to wrap things up at this time of year. We pack up our summer clothes and pull out the winter ones. We bring in our houseplants from their summer's outside. We clean up the yard and stack our wood for the fires. We still feel the pull to sleep a bit more, eat a bit more and curl up with a book on long cold nights.
I truly believe this is instinctual, the shorter days tells the animals and plants to prepare for the winter, of course we do too, it is in our DNA.
Modern Wiccans and Pagans also see this as a time to think on the past year, all the projects you have sewn and cultivated. All the friendships, arguments, losses and gains you have accumulated over the year.
Is there something you no longer need? Something you wish to banish from your life forever? Samhain is the time for such harvests and banishments.
It is the time to cull what no longer serves you.
Samhain gives us the one time we can truly look Death in the eye. When we can embrace it as the wise Crone who will be fair but stern and help us to look at ourselves and that which we need and that which we do not.
And who better to ask to assist us in this spiritual harvest then our own wise ones who have gone before us?
At this time of seasonal transition,
The veil between the worlds is at its thinnest. We can speak with our beloved dead. We honor them with feasts. We ask for their guidance in our harvest.
This is not an easy thing to do. It takes a lot of courage to remember our dead. It makes us feel sad and lonely, but our memories make us smile as well.
It takes courage to take a look at ourselves and let go of old habits, old patterns of behavior that no longer serve us. These are hard choices.
But the treat!
When we remember our dead we also remember our love for them.
When we let go of that which we no longer need, we make room for new adventures to take shape, new ideas to grow.
The trick is having to face our fear of change. Our fear of the unknown. And the biggest fear, what if we get nothing, what if there is no candy? There’s only one way to find out. Tread the steps, face the witch at the door with the cauldron and look inside.
Think about the things you want to bring into the cold dark time with you. The blessings of those who have gone before, a positive outlook, what will serve you in the coming time when we a re close to one another by the fire. Do we bring anger and bitterness and fear into our stores? Or do we bring happiness, release and courage into our larder.
Today we will do just that.
Here is how it goes.
Each of you was given a rock when you came in. I encourage each of you to take that rock and think on what you would like to get rid of. What no longer serves you? And when you are ready please come up and drop it in the bowl of salt and water. This is your release.
Then light a candle as a beacon for your ancestors, honor them and listen."
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
6 Years
Really?
It's been 6 years?
This is the first year I haven't woken up and wept. Am I getting numb? Used to it? Has the ongoing cluster-F of Iraq worn me out?
I remember someone saying "on 9/12/01 the President could have completely galvanized the nation, could have asked ANYTHING of us and we, in our unity of grief, would have done it."
He could have said to Detroit: no more fossil fuel;to the world: no more genocide. The world came to us, with love and sadness and said what can we do? The President could have said: we can mourn, grieve and then stand united against ignorance, intolerance and hatred.
In the immortal words of the late great John Belushi:
"BUT, NOOOOOOOOOOO"
He told us to go shopping.
The myopic,ignorant,greedy,zealous,jingoistic WEASEL who had STOLEN the office treated us like a bunch of scared hens; while in the meantime he stooped to the level of extremism, fundamentalism and terrorism and ushered in, (how it pains me to write this) almost a decade of fear.
Man, am I fucking tired of it.
Mary, take me away...
The Summer Day
Who made the world?
Who made the swan, and the black bear?
Who made the grasshopper?
This grasshopper, I mean-
the one who has flung herself out of the grass,
the one who is eating sugar out of my hand,
who is moving her jaws back and forth instead of up and down-
who is gazing around with her enormous and complicated eyes.
Now she lifts her pale forearms and thoroughly washes her face.
Now she snaps her wings open, and floats away.
I don't know exactly what a prayer is.
I do know how to pay attention, how to fall down
into the grass, how to kneel down in the grass,
how to be idle and blessed, how to stroll through the fields,
which is what I have been doing all day.
Tell me, what else should I have done?
Doesn't everything die at last, and too soon?
Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?
-Mary Oliver
It's been 6 years?
This is the first year I haven't woken up and wept. Am I getting numb? Used to it? Has the ongoing cluster-F of Iraq worn me out?
I remember someone saying "on 9/12/01 the President could have completely galvanized the nation, could have asked ANYTHING of us and we, in our unity of grief, would have done it."
He could have said to Detroit: no more fossil fuel;to the world: no more genocide. The world came to us, with love and sadness and said what can we do? The President could have said: we can mourn, grieve and then stand united against ignorance, intolerance and hatred.
In the immortal words of the late great John Belushi:
"BUT, NOOOOOOOOOOO"
He told us to go shopping.
The myopic,ignorant,greedy,zealous,jingoistic WEASEL who had STOLEN the office treated us like a bunch of scared hens; while in the meantime he stooped to the level of extremism, fundamentalism and terrorism and ushered in, (how it pains me to write this) almost a decade of fear.
Man, am I fucking tired of it.
Mary, take me away...
The Summer Day
Who made the world?
Who made the swan, and the black bear?
Who made the grasshopper?
This grasshopper, I mean-
the one who has flung herself out of the grass,
the one who is eating sugar out of my hand,
who is moving her jaws back and forth instead of up and down-
who is gazing around with her enormous and complicated eyes.
Now she lifts her pale forearms and thoroughly washes her face.
Now she snaps her wings open, and floats away.
I don't know exactly what a prayer is.
I do know how to pay attention, how to fall down
into the grass, how to kneel down in the grass,
how to be idle and blessed, how to stroll through the fields,
which is what I have been doing all day.
Tell me, what else should I have done?
Doesn't everything die at last, and too soon?
Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?
-Mary Oliver
Wednesday, September 5, 2007
On The Mend
Cranking Foo Fighters "In Your Honor" on my new (I'm the last human on earth to get one) ipod.
On The Mend
Beautiful.
What helps me mend?
Time. Mostly.
And acting. So this is a short entry because I've got some major lines to memorize.
So, to all of you who give a shit:
"I'm here, and I'm on the mend."
On The Mend
Beautiful.
What helps me mend?
Time. Mostly.
And acting. So this is a short entry because I've got some major lines to memorize.
So, to all of you who give a shit:
"I'm here, and I'm on the mend."
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
A Little Help From My Friends
Here's what a new friend of mine wrote in response to my brief "Acceptance entry"
"Acceptance in this situation indeed in MOST situations, is kind of like when you are wandering through the house, say, intent on going to the bedroom to get a pair of socks, and in passing a table you happen to look down and SEE that item or gizmo you KNEW was lost or misplaced somewhere inside the place... but you'd long since given up looking for."
As he is a new friend I did not lash out with my usual No-BS-Rose (an actual nickname of mine) retort. I do try to ease into the no hold barred truth with new friends, give 'em a chance to build up their calluses to my callousness! (yes,yes very clever)
Anyway, his metaphor made me cry. Not, I'm sure the way or reason that he may have intended.
See that metaphor described my ENTIRE relationship with my Dad. Forget the gizmo, I don't even have any socks anymore!
I keep getting condolence cards and phone calls from people who knew my dad at different points in his life. They tell me about what their common thread was, while I listen, dutifully, and then hang up and yell at my kids or husband or dog; because...
because I have spent my LIFE trying to weave that thread. Just an easy one, movies, books, f-ing food ANYTHING.
But what we had in common was sometimes being too much with this world.
I found a way (thru amazing friends,a career in a business that caters to humanity and all it's messy emotions, a nonjudgmental spirit path and considerable amount of therapy)to deal with that.
My poor dear dead father did not grow up in a world, social or career-wise, that allowed for that kind of nurturing exploration.
Maybe that's his legacy to me. Maybe, just maybe (and I mean maybe)I am, what he would have wanted to be.
Maybe I am his secret heart.
Goddess
I only wish that were true.
"Acceptance in this situation indeed in MOST situations, is kind of like when you are wandering through the house, say, intent on going to the bedroom to get a pair of socks, and in passing a table you happen to look down and SEE that item or gizmo you KNEW was lost or misplaced somewhere inside the place... but you'd long since given up looking for."
As he is a new friend I did not lash out with my usual No-BS-Rose (an actual nickname of mine) retort. I do try to ease into the no hold barred truth with new friends, give 'em a chance to build up their calluses to my callousness! (yes,yes very clever)
Anyway, his metaphor made me cry. Not, I'm sure the way or reason that he may have intended.
See that metaphor described my ENTIRE relationship with my Dad. Forget the gizmo, I don't even have any socks anymore!
I keep getting condolence cards and phone calls from people who knew my dad at different points in his life. They tell me about what their common thread was, while I listen, dutifully, and then hang up and yell at my kids or husband or dog; because...
because I have spent my LIFE trying to weave that thread. Just an easy one, movies, books, f-ing food ANYTHING.
But what we had in common was sometimes being too much with this world.
I found a way (thru amazing friends,a career in a business that caters to humanity and all it's messy emotions, a nonjudgmental spirit path and considerable amount of therapy)to deal with that.
My poor dear dead father did not grow up in a world, social or career-wise, that allowed for that kind of nurturing exploration.
Maybe that's his legacy to me. Maybe, just maybe (and I mean maybe)I am, what he would have wanted to be.
Maybe I am his secret heart.
Goddess
I only wish that were true.
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